Beating cancer to death with a toothpick

I admit, I have days where I feel like we are beating this cancer to death with only a toothpick. It's a LONG, SLOW process and time seems to be moving at a snail's pace. Then, I do have days where I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. (At least the light at the end of chemo). Today, was an odd combination of feeling both.

I looked at my calendar this morning and for the next few months, it was empty except for chemo appointments. As you know, I'm a planner and I like to have a lot of activities planned but unfortunately we've had to clear the schedule. I found it quite depressing. So, I decided to look at my glass as half full and plan some activities since we are officially halfway through with the chemo treatments. But then moments later I realized that in my lifetime, so far, I've had 15 chemo treatments. Really, 15 chemo treatments in my lifetime...no wonder I feel like I'm beating cancer to death with a toothpick. Well, if I've had 15 treatments so far, and I only have 3 more, heck I'm WAY more than halfway done, right?

Then, today as I put my mind back to planning some adventures when this is all I over, I constantly came back to the one thought regarding how quickly life changes. Just a few months ago, I was like all of you getting ready for the holidays, shopping and decorating and then bam.....someone says "you've got cancer."

Since the last cancer go-around in 2001, Todd and I try to live life and not put off things that make us happy. You dont know what tomorrow will bring and it pains me to clear my calendar the next few months of things that we have been so looking forward to like a weekend at the Post Ranch Inn, or for me learning to ski, or attending Frozen Dead Guy Days ( check it out, you will want to go). So, I've decided to put this challenge out to you my dear friends....I challenge you to think of something you have been wanting to do but put off for no good reason (no good reason like I dont have the time) and get it done before my last chemo treatment (March 25th). Go out and do it my friends. Life changes to quickly.

Of course, you MUST share your stories with me as you take on this challenge because I need to live vicarously through you for a few months. Think about it my friends. Who's up for the challenge?? Tell me about the fabulous destination you have been putting off traveling to and book that damn trip. Or tell me about how you've always wanted to learn to speak Italian and you've just signed up for a course. What ever it is, "just do it." (Gosh, someone should snap up that "just do it" slogan, it sounds pretty good.)

(By the way, Bonnie Jean, you are excluded from this activity because I know what you have been wanting to do for a long time, and you finally did it. I am so proud of you and you will find your next great adventure soon.)

Lots of love.

Round 2 Done!

As most of you know, I spent new years eve in the “infusion room”. I think we were there until about 7 p.m., picked up some food on the way home and I was in bed by 8:30 p.m. Heck of a night.

It was a long weekend after that! (Just ask Todd, I was not a good patient.) Friday I felt kind of crappy, but then was hit bad on Saturday and Sunday. Felt awful. It’s hard to describe what it feels like. There is the nauseousness, and overall feeling of tiredness. The second or third day, the sore muscles set in. But then there is just a general feeling of well, I guess being run over by a truck. I dont know, I think its only one of those things that people who experience it can understand. (Kind of like the pain when your hair starts falling out. It’s an odd feeling, to actually have your hair hurt! I cant tell you how good it felt when the hairdresser asked me if I had a lot of hair pain before she shaved my head. Yes!!! It was sooo good to have someone understand that!!)

Back to why I was a bad patient....I was not drinking my liquids as I should have been (I was eating though). The problem is the absolute horrible taste in my mouth from the chemo. It’s like a metallic taste. It goes away as the days go on, but it lasts at least a week or two following treatment. Though I would not be surprised if it remains constant for the last few treatments. This metallic taste is why I stopped eating beef from the last chemo in 2001/2002. The bad taste was so strong with beef, that I stopped eating it completely during the 6 months of chemo and then just never really regained my taste for it again after that. Right now, food is not the problem, its liquid for some reason. I am struggling to find something that I can drink the first few days after treatment that doesnt make me gag when I take a sip. I did just discover a juicer thanks to my dear friend Chris and I must say that came in handy on Monday. Made a wonderful pineapple, apple and strawberry juice mix. Went down pretty good. The only problem was my dear sweet husband marked all the drink bottles in the house so he could see how much I drank while he was at work on Monday, and well he just couldnt tell how much I drank because I made my own juice. Fooled him, didnt I.

I know some of you are wondering what I look like these days. I’ve posted a pic of me in my new “external cranial prosthesis” (AKA wig). I think it matches pretty close to my hair. Let me know what you think! A shout out (does anyone say that anymore) goes to my girlfriends Jennifer and Chris for helping pick out my external cranial prosthesis and to my wonderful husband for going with me on “installation day”. As expected, my hair started falling out 16 days after treatment. It starts with just a few strands, then each day, it seems to at least double in regards to how much is falling out. It was tolerable for a few days (though I did wear a baseball cap on Christmas Eve to prevent clumps of my hair in my family’s food). By Monday after Christmas, I was ready for it to go because it was just becoming unbearable. The hospital recommended a great wig shop, which is also a salon (the owner is a breast cancer survivor herself) so its a comfortable place. Though the woman in the salon chair next to me, was a bit shocked when the clippers came out and the salon owner shaved my head. (oops, she chose the wrong chair didnt she.)

Now, its been almost a week since treatment and I’m feeling good. Every day has been better, though today feels like a bit of a set back. I’m thinking it means I am at the low point with my white blood cells so, this is when we need to be careful I dont get sick. I’ll be confined to the house this weekend so I am not exposed to germs while my counts are low but I am looking forward to having a whole week and a half of hopefully feeling good before next treatment.

Lots of love.